How I Stole Johnny Depp's Alien Girlfriend by Gary Ghislain

Author:Gary Ghislain
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
ISBN: 9781452108452
Publisher: Chronicle Books LLC
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

12

EXPIRATION: 21 HOURS

The first thing I see when I open my eyes is Malou and Zelda looking down at me. And then just Zelda slapping me across the face.

“Oooouch! Aren’t we on the same team?!”

“Keep those eyes open!” Malou lifts me off the floor and shakes me hard. “Come on! Wakey, wakey!”

“Ask him his name,” Zelda says, getting ready for another good whack.

“What’s your name, Frog?”

“I wish you’d stop calling me that.”

“He’s fine,” Malou says, dropping me back on the floor.

“Where are we?” I sit up and look around. We’re in a small room with no windows. An old projector is lying on the floor, and the wall in front of me is covered with large maps of Europe. Zelda and Malou are sitting against the wall beside me.

“We don’t know. It’s like a cell.”

I stand up groggily. “And the good news is?”

Zelda shrugs. “There is no good news, Pudin. Exiles are Vahalalian outcasts. Failures. War criminals. Mass murderers.”

“Great! I love meeting new people.” My legs feel soft like marshmallow. I lean against a map of Europe. “By the way, what do they want with us, besides murder?”

“Quiz us on geography?” Malou suggests.

“Hope so. I’m an ace at geography.” Thanks to my addiction to atlases and hours of planning imaginary travels around the globe.

“I don’t know what they want.” Zelda stands up, readjusting the Starck vase on her arm. “We will soon find out.”

She’s right. Someone is unlocking the door. And—zaam!—we’re standing in front of three angry-looking girls.

“Whatever happens, don’t look them in the eye,” Zelda says. “Looking a Valk in the eye is a deadly sin.”

One of the girls says something, and whatever it is, it’s not French. It sounds like the dolphin talk Zelda used to make me her Pudin. Squikitikiki.

“They are taking us to the mother,” Zelda translates.

“Who’s the mother?” Malou and I ask at the same time, hiding behind Zelda and doing our best not to look those girls in the eye.

“Their leader, the eldest exile.”

A grandma in dreads!

The girls push us out of the cell and escort us down a long corridor. It’s dark and damp and dirty. There are windows, but they’ve been painted over or covered by newspapers.

Here is a thing about Vahalalian exiles: They hate daylight and cleaning up things.

“This is a school,” Malou says as we walk past rows of coat hangers and pass in front of classrooms piled high with trash.

“Look.” Malou points at a group of girls ahead in the corridor, about a dozen of them, with different tattoos, piercings, and weird haircuts and identical hateful looks on their faces.

“No, don’t look at them,” Zelda says as we walk toward them. “See the markings on their faces?”

Yes, I can see them now. Their faces are covered in dark green tribal tattoos, just like the three girls escorting us. It looks cool, in a terrifying sort of way.

“Only Valks register their killings on their faces. Keep walking and look away, Pudin.”

I try to keep looking away while walking toward their group.

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